Seriously, suck on it…

…at least that’s probably what you’ll be doing when gas prices inevitably go up even higher.

Yes, it’s that time of the week, ladies and gentlemen, for the obligatory weekly complaint blog about (mostly) the high cost of gas ! This week, we’ll be taking a close up look at the not-so-new pastime of gasoline syphoning, as well as a glimpse of the latest trends and fashions in this growing sport crime.

First off, as you may have heard, gasoline syphoning has become quite the popular thing to do in the criminal world, as of late. As gas prices have driven up, so have the efforts of petty criminals, as they’ve stopped breaking into your car and taking your change, and they have moved on to breaking into our gas tanks and taking our fuel. Trust me, this can be a terrible thing to experience.

I can remember the feeling of failing to start up my truck a day after filling up, only to see that my failure was caused by a needle pointing to a tiny E on my fuel gauge. Of course, this was caused by a hole that I had accidentally placed in my tank the day before, but that’s a trivial matter. What’s important is that being stuck somewhere without gas is as lame as Alf - and that show was seriously lame.

That’s why it’s time we start fighting back! Consider this like a new, gas-crisis edition of the movie Pay It Forward; that B- movie with Haley Joel Osment. Basically, we all need to first invest in anti-syphoning device technology, preferably the kind that suck gas from the syphoner’s tank. If his mouth happens to be on the hose at the same time the vacuum turns on, then we can just call that Darwinism. The second thing we need to is to start gathering a list of known and spotted syphoners, and begin Paying It Forward by draining the gas from their over-sized gas guzzlers (clearly they drive SUV’s because they can afford the payments by not paying for gas).

Before I go any further, I will give my disclaimer: This information is for instructional purposes only, and should only be used on your own automobile, and at your own risk. Webrides doesn’t condone any forms of theft, and we insist that you never do anything you are about to read. You may, however, use this information in the highly unlikely case of a zombie apocalypse or political revolution.

For your very own home vigilante syphoning kit, you’ll need some half or 3/8 inch tubing like the picture above, a bucket, an electric drill, and preferably a drill pump like this:

I would highly recommend you get the quietest drill possible before you engage in this activity because, well, zombies might hear you - and you don’t want that! Also, the drill and the pump make this ordeal a whole lot better, because gasoline in your mouth is like kissing a French prostitute, and we all know how bad that can be…

Finally, there’s been one little problem in the syphoning world lately, and that has been the emergence of safety caps and gas caps. Safety caps are little balls that obstruct the flow of gasoline when there isn’t a gas pump injecting gasoline into the tank, and they can be rather tricky for getting around. They are in newer cars as a safety measure to keep gasoline from leaking out in case the car is flipped. Unfortunately, they also have the side affect of being rather good at pinching syphoning tubes. So the best way you could manage to bypass this little hurdle, in the unlikely case of zombiesof course, is by sleeving your hose with a metal pipe. Gas caps, however, are a different story. Gas caps cannot be removed unless you have a key, and locks (as you may have guessed) make it very difficult to get into your own gas tank, let alone someone elses’ in case of a random zombie infestation. Instead of going through the key, most syphoners have been going through the bottom of the gas tank. This method is far more primitive, and is essentially counter-productive, as the driver won’t be back next week with a full tank.

Of course he wouldn’t have come back at all in case of zombies.

Seriously, don’t do anything stated here.